Do I Miss Him or Do I Miss What He Represents?

Not until I was around 25 years old and in a serious relationship did, I see myself getting married. What is strange is that I always saw myself as someone’s mother and not someone’s wife. Having kids and not being married was not okay since I was raised in a household where putting the cart before the horse was not acceptable, so that was never an option – and at 37 it still is not. Furthermore, I was never one of those girls who twirled around in the middle of the floor with a white dress on pretending it was her wedding day or picking out engagement rings that I wanted to have. Don’t get me wrong – seeing healthy love was all that I saw growing up. I grew up in a household with two loving parents who never fought around me or my sister, and seeing a marriage that has lasted 41+ years was always a goal. Furthermore, I was never the girl dreaming of the house with the “white picket fence” that I would share with my husband and three kids – yes, three kids – and to some extent I am still not that way.

From age 21 to 27 I was with a man I thought I would share my life with until he messed up and committed the ultimate relationship no-no. Eight years later, I am finally in a good place and have met a man who has made those thoughts of “forever” creep back into my head. The “situation” that I have with this man is far from perfect, with a history that, if I tried to explain, no one would ever believe. Nevertheless, on any given day I don’t know if I am coming or going with him, but what I do know is that I love him. Love is great, but being that I am 37 and eager to start a family, I have had to ask myself – do I love him, or do I love what he represents?

I could ask myself this question about any number of guys that I have dated. I truly have been fortunate to have had the opportunity to meet some great men throughout my adult years. All but one of my relationships ended badly, and even with him I can honestly say that he is one of my good friends to this day. Over the years of singleness, I have asked the question: could I go back? Could I be with (name), (name), or (name) just to fulfill what I think will satisfy my desires? The answer is that I probably could – but would I be happy, or shooting myself in the foot if I did? This question is more common than you think – even if women don’t want to admit it. We would rather settle for what we are not happy with rather than be patient and be blessed with what we DESERVE.

We rationalize in our heads: well, there were more happy times than bad, or we say – he seems like he has changed – maybe it will work this time. As I think about my past relationships, I go back to this:

Yes, I have been fortunate to have dated good men, BUT the relationship ended for a reason.

None of my relationships ended on a terribly bad note, and 90% of them I still talk to today. And if I went to some of them and said, “Let’s get back together,” they would – but again…the relationship ended for a reason.

I have had to learn to not be duped by my circumstances and to take all of my concerns, questions, and desires to God, because I clearly need help in the relationship department. Being friends with just about everyone I have dated doesn’t mean that they could be the one. In many cases, that just means I am a nice person who can forgive – hahahaha. But seriously – I had to remind myself not to settle just because I want to reach that end goal of a husband and family. I pray for discernment not only on the way I should go but on the choices, I am faced with.

I know so many single women who have kids that aren’t happy because they are going through hell with the father of their child (or vice versa) – and let’s be honest, even married couples can go through hell sometimes when kids are thrown in the mix. So why take that chance? I also know plenty of men and women who married someone who was consistent in not acting or treating them right while dating – and who needs that stress? Not me. At times, we convince ourselves that we can put up with certain behavior just to get the results we want. This is why we need to trust God and surrender this area of our life to Him. Pray and trust the Lord and His process, and when it is time to move on and let go of past relationships, do so. More times than not, God is waiting for you to let go of the past in order to bless you with the one your heart truly desires…so don’t go backwards.

My desire for marriage and family is real. As I get older and as one more hot flash hits me, I can just hear my eggs sizzling inside, and fear used to set in. As my parents get older and health problems start to ensue, the thought of them enjoying their “grandchildren” at one time started to weigh heavy on me. But as I stated in a previous post, I had to learn (which did not happen overnight) to pray and know that it is just not my time. I have to be content with where I am in life and know that God is preparing me for the next phase of my life.

To my ladies 35 and older – remember not to be fooled by your age or some clock that you think you have to chase. I am not saying that you will give birth at 99 like Sarah, but if it is meant for you to birth a child, it will happen because it’s in God’s Will and timing, not yours.

…and the songs go on (to be continued)