You see, this has been a common theme in my adult life. It happened first in college when I was dating the first man I had ever said “I love you” to. As backwards as it was, he walked away when things were great between us. He left because, as we got deeper into the relationship, feelings got too heavy for him, so I was hit with the ole “I’m not ready.” Months later, he got into another relationship, and shortly thereafter he said he had made a mistake. Even though we never got back together, this man is one of my best friends, but to him, I am still the woman that he wants to be with.

It happened again with the relationship I was in from 2001 to 2009. I initially broke up with him because of a lack of commitment on his part (and other reasons I’ve mentioned in previous stories) and the relationship just standing still. He tried to win me back shortly after we broke up, but the trust and feelings I had for him were gone and not repairable. The hurt and pain he put me through faded away, and years later he became a good friend. As crazy as it sounds, we can talk about anything — even current relationships. Last week we were talking about a woman he is presently dating, the good and the bad of their relationship, but at the end of our conversation he ended with, “But she isn’t you.”

I could list a few more men that I have split with who have tried to come back into my life, but I think my post is lengthy enough. However, as one more relationship bites the dust, I ask myself this question — why does this keep happening? One of the guys mentioned above bluntly let me know by coining this horrible phrase: “You are a forever girl.”

Wait… what?

He went on to say that I am a woman that guys want to settle down with. I am the woman that deserves and requires the highest from a man, and they are just not there yet. When I was told that, I called BULL. That is the weakest excuse I have ever heard in my life. But when I look back at all the failed relationships I have had, I start to question whether he was feeding me lines or telling the truth. Then I started to question if I was the problem. Do I come off too perfect, making a guy feel like he has to be a certain way to be with me? Do I give too much of myself, making it overwhelming for a man? Is my personality too much to handle? Or was I just picking the same type of man every time, and that was the problem?

As I pray and listen, I can tell you that the problem is a mixture of things… even some not listed above. Since starting this blog, I have conversed with several women and a few men (yes, men) who have shared this common problem. So, what do I tell them to do? How do you keep from running into the same issues every time?

Pray!

Pray for discernment. I mentioned that my problem is a mixture of things. In my prayers, I ask God to help clarify and sort things out in my life. Reveal things that I might be missing about why I keep running into the same type of problems. Is it me, is it the men I’m choosing to share my time with, or is it something else? God will show you things you were totally unaware you were doing. Praying for discernment is about finding the truth of why you may be running into the same problems so you can tackle the issue head-on.

• Pray for wisdom, strength, peace, patience, and focus. Pray for knowledge and wisdom to learn from every situation you are in. Each and every guy I have dated or been in a relationship with has taught me something, and it is either my choice to be sad or mad at what happened or learn from it. Pray for strength to get through your days without crying. Keep the faith that God is going to bring you through the hurt and pain that go along with breaking up with someone you like/love. Pray for peace. There are some days that you are going to want to flip out but pray for God to give you peace in your mind and heart to get through the crazy thoughts. Pray for patience. Pray that God grants you the ability to have patience in your time of waiting for the mate that He has made for you. Praying for focus in the midst of any storm is hard, but life goes on around us, and we have to be present in it. Stay focused on what makes you happy in life, not what you don’t have.
• Change the type of guy you are seeking. I know that you may not think this is the problem, but for me it is one of them. Make a list of what value you bring to the table and make a list of what you are looking for in a mate and then go from there. Seek that person out — God is not just going to drop him from the sky. And remember… don’t settle for less than what you deserve!
• Make sure that the guy you start seeing is emotionally and mentally ready to be in a relationship. I will tell you from a recent trip down Brokenheartville that when emotions and love get involved, it is hard to walk away. It is even harder when you are fighting for something that you see potential in or what could be, and you are alone. Remember — it is okay to walk away, because if it is meant to be, what is made for you and is right will come back… in God’s timing… not yours.
• Even though you think you are the bomb — which I’m sure you are — please know that you are not for everybody, and everybody is not sent from God for you. Know that you can go to God in prayer to reveal anything that your eyes should see about a person or situation. Listen to your gut and know when to walk away!

One of the best quotes I have ever read was: “When people walk away from you, let them go. Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you, and it doesn’t mean they are bad people; it just means that their part in your story is over.”

Remember that life goes on, and so should you! I know that it’s hard to find a good mate — especially for a (Black) female — but just know that you are not in it alone. God has something cooking up for you. Just keep the faith, be patient, and never cease in prayer.

It is a good thing to be a “Forever Girl.”

…and the songs go on (to be continued)