My Reflection
On the morning of March 27th my whole life came to a screeching halt. I sat at my kitchen table with my laptop in que waiting for my endocrinologist to join me for a follow up call. I had some tests done in February and I sat hopeful and optimistic about my future, but I also prepared for the worst. The time came and the conversation lasted only 10 minutes. Those 10 minutes were the longest 10 minutes of my life because after the first minute and a half I wanted to slam the laptop shut, run upstairs and get back into bed but instead I sat there fighting tears. I sat there listening as the doctor told a 43-year-old healthy active woman that she had already gone through menopause. I was devasted and all I could think about was…
…my prayers of having children are gone.
Having children is something that I have wanted my whole life. I remember when I was growing up and after coming home from church, I would go upstairs, shut my door, keep my clothes on and have church right there in my room. I would grab and hold my baby doll in my arms mimicking the women I saw at church – sitting at that table I got flashbacks of those days. I daydreamed about what my child would look like or what my child would grow up to be all during those 10 minutes. All of those things that I used to dream of became just that – they became dreams. It was at that point where I asked how am I going to get through this? How am I going to be okay? It was also at that point that I became mad at God.
“Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward.”
Psalm 127:3
I initially went to the doctor about two years ago because I stopped getting my cycle at the age of 40 and I wanted to know what was going on. I didn’t know if I had been on birth control too long or what. Through these tests, I found out my estrogen was significantly lower than what it should have been, and I was devastated to learn that I was going through perimenopause. My family encouraged me to get more tests done to see what exactly was going on with me, but I never made an appointment. I was afraid of what might be told to me, so I was hesitant to go. Fast forward to 2024 – I felt it was necessary to go see an endocrinologist, who can do deeper tests from what I already had gotten. I had an ultrasound and some more blood work done. Ultimately, the endocrinologist confirmed what the gynecologist told me a few years back, but how far a long I was into menopause came as a shock, and it was what I feared.
Changes. The first hint that something was going on with my body was in my mid 30s when I started getting hot flashes. They were very subtle, but they were definitely there. I remember one Christmas I was in the house preparing for family to come and heat would roll through my body so quickly. I remember having to drop what I was doing and go stand outside, no coat just me and the cold winter air to cool me off. A couple of years later, I would sleep with not one but two fans on me at night with a cooling blanket. Over the years my flashes just continued to get worse. At 41, I was in the supermarket minding my business on the phone with my sister. Suddenly, I had to stop walking, put the phone down and when I tell you a wave of heat hit my body from the top of my head to the very bottom of my feet it was like no other feeling in this world. My skin got clammy and sweaty, and I just wanted to jump out of my skin into a freezer. I left my cart in the middle of the aisle and quickly walked out the store. Along with my cycle stopping and hot flashes, I was very anxious all the time. I had never had anxiety attacks but the least little thing that happened to me or around me would set me off. Inside I would be “bouncing off the walls.” There was no settling me which would in turn bring on my hot flashes and for a long time, I could not control them. I was never an anxious person so the way I was feeling and acting was blowing my mind. I thought I was just being dramatic, but these weren’t just signs of perimenopause, but I was going through full-blown menopause. In addition to all of that, my once small waist was expanding. I gained a tremendous amount of weight in a short period of time. I had never in my life been over 200 pounds but that’s where I found myself. It didn’t matter how much I exercised or how much I cut back; I gained weight. Surely my thyroid was out of whack, but test results came back saying that my thyroid was fine.
Like many of us I feared what the doctor may say, and I wanted to see if I could beat the odds myself, but it came to a point where the weight and anxiety became out of control. I also wanted to know what was up with my menstrual cycles. More importantly, I wanted to know if I could have a baby. I wanted to give birth to my own child but on March 27th I found out that it was not in God’s plans.
“2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
James 1:2-4
My test. For so long I was angry at God. I questioned Him. I questioned why not me. Why didn’t He pick me to bring life into this world – to be a Proverbs 31 woman? You have parents every day abusing, killing, abandoning their children, but you are not blessing me. I am willing and able to love, take care of and nurture a child so what is wrong with me? I am not perfect, nor do I do everything right but why not me? It took me so long to wrap my head around why I am never going to see my reflection in my own child.
Reflection. I remember a conversation I had with one of my friends on my 40th birthday. While we were talking, we got on the subject about neither one of us having children – she is a few years older than me. I said to her, “you don’t know what not having children has protected us from.” I gave her this example – there are a lot of women that die during childbirth. I went onto say you never want your mind to jump to that, but you never know what God is sparing us from. You never know what we have been placed on this earth to do. Our purpose has not been fulfilled yet. That conversation happened three years ago, and it is weird that during one of my prayers, I recalled that conversation – what this a coincidence? It was this type of thinking outside of the box that I started to have when praying to God.
“When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.”
Psalms 94:19
Release. Even though I was mad at God, I am no dummy. I know where my first and last breath comes from, and from whom everything good has happened. I did a lot of praying, reading the Bible and a whole lot of crying. I think I cried enough to fill any river, pond, or lake. I did it all because I was angry and because I needed to be okay, I needed to understand. I didn’t want to talk about it with anybody. I didn’t want to hear anybody’s opinion or encouraging words, but I knew I eventually had to tell someone. I first told my sister and then I told my mom. Do you know how hard it was to tell my mom that she would never see a biological grandchild from me? That was one of the hardest conversations I have had in a long time. For once my mom had very few words. I know she was sad, but what was not spoken is what I needed.
Submission. My prayers, reading, and conversations with God got deeper and deeper. As my conversations and prayers got deeper, I found myself once again brutally voicing how I truly felt. The one thing that I do is not try to hide or sugar coat how I was feeling because the Lord will only deal with what you give him. If you “throw” Him a softball issue, He will give you a “softball” resolution and I could not do that. My feelings were hurt, and I needed guidance.
My relationship with God has come a long way. As a person that has gone through many issues in life there is a method I made up that I use to help me get through situations that I face – the STAR technique. STAR stands for S (submit), T (trust), A (ask), and R (remember). During this process, I felt like I had no choice but to throw up my hands and Submit. Anything that I thought I knew about the direction my life was going to take, I had to throw it out. By this I mean my desires. My desire to have a child was something that has filled my heart for decades and now that is going to have to look different. I asked God to replace my desires with His. When we (His children) are born we all were given purpose and to know that purpose is to reach peace through whatever hardship you face. In this situation, it is not my purpose to physically give birth but was being a mother off the table? Ask God to guide your heart and direct your path on what you are supposed to do in life for the greater good and Trust that He will do so. My love and my trust in the Lord is the only reason why I’m still standing. My God has held my hand and seen me through some of life’s most challenging times, and I can never forget that. Whatever desire of mine He does not fulfill; it is only because He has something bigger and better for me.
Along with trusting God to see you through any situation, you also need to clearly Ask Him what He wants from you. I did not just ask for comfort and strength, but I asked God what He wanted me to get out of what was happening to me. After several conversations and prayers with God, I found myself saying words that I never thought I would say. I specifically asked God to strip me of my desires that are not His and replace them with what He wants for my life. A desire is something that someone has strong feelings towards that they want in their life. If that desire is not there anymore, the pain of not achieving that will eventually fade away. When I pray for my desires to be changed, I trust that the Lord will in fact see that through. Asking God to change your desires is conceptually easy but is tough to do. As humans we want what we want but after your grief you should allow yourself to Remember His Word. In every test there is a testimony. If you don’t have a test you can grab from your own life, there will be one in the Bible. There are several stories in the Bible that I could relate to during this season in my life but the story of Bartimaeus, the blind panhandler that cried out for God to have mercy on him, stood out among the rest. As I read, I realized that even though people tried to silence him, in Mark 10:51, Jesus called him over and asked him one question, “What do you want Me to do for you?” Bartimaeus’s asked for his sight back and it was restored. Bartimaeus’s sight was not only granted because of his ask but because of the faith and trust that he had to go along with it. His sight was a small portion of what goes along with this scripture. Bartimaeus had been granted faith to see his larger divine responsibility, and his vision was only a symbol of his changed heart. Similarly, my desire to have a baby might be my end goal, but God has a bigger goal for my life. It may be hard to see but God lovingly creates each event in our lives to achieve His purposes for His children.
When I reflect on the good and the bad in my life, I can confidently thank God for clear answers to prayers that have increased my faith. He has provided me with creativity, jobs, family, friendships, protection, health and more. Even though God has never given me everything I have wanted, He has always Blessed me with what I have needed. I have been in a season of learning and waiting for quite some time. In any season of waiting, it is good to remember that God wants us to have unwavering trust and faith that He is working things out and His ‘No’ might just be ‘Not right now.’ He wants us to get deeper in our reading, prayers, and asking for more, bigger and bolder wants for our lives – our purpose and endless joy. Ask, be clear and confident that you will receive what you are asking God for because as you pray, you might just hear, “What do you want Me to do for you?”
Proverbs 31 Woman. I AM a Proverbs 31 woman. No, I will not have any biological children, but I am a virtuous woman. I am a woman of great faith, integrity, strength, and courage. I have wonderful family and friends that support me, and I am learning my purpose while I am on this earth. God is changing my heart and what desires I want for my life and that is how I can share this story and confidently get through it with no tears or fears. Will I be a mother of some sort – well that is for God to decide. Until then, I am basking in His love for me while I spread His message of hope.
…and the songs go on (to be continued)