The Fall
August 28, 2017
Monday morning I fell in my shower. My immediate thought was not to laugh, it was not to cry but to look around and wonder who was going to come for me. Truly, my first thought was who was going to yell into the bathroom to see if I was okay. Who was going to come rushing in and help me off of the bathtub floor. Who was there to look out for me? No one – no one was there and it made me sad and until I laid my head on my pillow that night those questions burned in my mind. Who was there?
In exactly one week I was going to be 37. I have reached my 37th year with a few scrapes and bruises, a little heartbreak and tears but no complaints only Blessings to be thankful for. That night I walked around my house with no feeling in my body…the tv was on but my eyes would not let me watch it. My phone rang but my mouth wouldn’t let me talk. I got up off the living room floor where I had rested my achy body – from my fall – cut the tv off and went upstairs. I grabbed my Bible, daily devotions book and then grabbed the one thing that I have complete control over in my life and that was my thoughts. Writing has always been a release for me and now more than ever I needed that. I had not written in my journal since June but tonight I needed to empty my heart on paper. After reading Bible stories on patience I began to write – I wrote for more than 45 minutes. I wrote about my desires – where I am in life and turning 37. One important thing to mention – if it sounds like I am about to go into a depressed area in this essay – I am not. I am far from depressed but the thought of where I thought I would be at this point in my life does not match up to where I am now and having falls like I did on Monday magnifies that I am alone. After writing I sat in silence – dropped to my sore knees and poured out my heart some more. The Lord and I have been in close communication day and night on a whole array of topics for almost a year. Let me explain – I am currently going through a season. A season of discovery, growth, pain, getting to know myself, humility and most importantly a season of patience. Patience is something that I’ve always struggled with. Low patience in dealing with people, movement in my life, learning a new task and even watching a movie. Yes, watching and waiting for a movie to end is a struggle. I would rather fast forward to the end of the movie rather than have to sit through how the ending came to be. Nevertheless – that’s what this whole season has ultimately been about. I know that in Proverbs 3:5-6 the Bible says, Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
I have wants and plans for my life but God has plans also. Not saying God is not going to give me what I desire (or a variation of) but it’s all in his timing and what he feels is best for me right then. For example, I was hired as a Pharmaceutical sales rep in August and my whole division was laid off in December. On December 7th God knew exactly every tear I would cry and every fall I would take (literally). He knew every song to play for me and instructed every sermon my pastor preached to me. I concluded that this journey…this season has not been about a job…money or love but it has been about my connection with Him. A storm was placed in my life to draw me closer to Him. In months leading up to me getting a job this past July – for the first time I spoke to Him without thinking of what I should say next. I spoke without thinking that I was saying words that would “impress” Him. I spoke from my heart and for the first time I truly opened up to Him and I gave it ALL to Him. I put every worry…burden…desire in his hands. I thought I did that before but I had not. I thought my relationship with Him was stronger but it was not. I asked God repeatedly during my journey…God why am I going through this? Even typing right now I believe that God wanted me to slow down and take the passenger seat…He is in control…not Toya. When you get to that point of letting go, shifting your focus back to the most important relationship (Him)….you will be free. I could sit and not think about a job and I just knew that it was going to happen. And in talking to God Monday night I realized that in this same situation even though I thought I had turned my desire of a man and family over to God I had not. I was still trying to control the situation. I know I will be reunited with or meet the man that He has made for me when He is ready (or when He thinks I am ).
To some extent this may be my doing. Be careful what list of wants you go to God with. I don’t just want any man – I want a Godly man. I gave Him a whole PowerPoint presentation on the kind of man I wanted and it takes a while to cook that up I guess – hahaha.
At the beginning of my season – in the midst of frustration I yelled out “what do you want from me God?!?” When you ask something like that you better be prepared to hear the answer.
For the women that has fallen like I have or things just aren’t moving in the direction that you want them to please remember that – With strength comes wisdom and truth. With strength comes faith to believe that all things are possible through Christ Jesus. With strength comes the belief that I will be okay because there is no greater being that loves me more and will grant me my hearts desires. With strength comes the understanding of why in life there are challenges and roads that “we” have to travel in order to understand our purpose.
I remember in November I said to the man I love “What am I doing? What is my purpose in life?”
God heard that question too because little did I know I was about to be taken on a journey to find out…nine months later and still in the making…
…and the songs go on (to be continued)