From 2001 to 2009 I was in a relationship with a man I thought I would spend forever with. Well, forever ended seven years later with a lot of tears, questions, and mistrust in men – yes, I have trust issues. What woman wouldn’t after giving her all to someone who continuously lied, cheated, and had feelings as if everything that went wrong in the relationship was their fault (the ole’ switcheroo). Needless to say, I have been single for the last eight years now. If it wasn’t for me seeing the 41 – year marriage that my parents share and knowing that God made men like my father, I would have thrown in the towel a long time ago. So, why haven’t I found “the one?” When can I get back to loving someone, laying down a solid foundation of hopes and dreams to share with a man? These questions play in the mind of females and males alike more than people think, and guess what – it is okay to feel this way. It is okay to have these feelings – not to the point of obsession – but it is natural for “man” to want to have a partner in life – Genesis 2:18 Then the LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is right for him.” It doesn’t make you pathetic or desperate to have strong desires for that life, but if you haven’t been Blessed yet you might wonder what you are doing wrong. If you have prayed about it like I have, then you may have had that answer given to you already. Sometimes it may be as simple as – you haven’t met the person God has made for you, or maybe you have. Whatever the case may be, there is always an underlying reason as to why movement in your life has not happened. In my case, I had to ask myself: was I ready? More importantly, was I prepared in God’s eyes? If you are praying and seeking God’s guidance and asking Him to send you your mate and wanting this person to be “it” – then you have to ask yourself those questions. Taking those questions further would be to ask – is your mate ready in God’s eyes? Because if there is one thing I have painfully learned over the years, it’s not always about you. My transformation over these eight years has forced me to check myself and do three things to be ready for my Blessing, because let’s face it – you aren’t the only one praying for a mate – your mate could be praying to find you as well!

1. Be Still, Pray and WORK on your relationship with God – Exodus 14:14 “The Lord will fight for you while you keep still.”
   Never cease in prayer for those things that you control and especially those that you don’t – Go to God. In a previous “song” about my jobless months I mentioned that my focus was off. Two years ago, I met someone that consumed me. This man was my thought when I went to bed at night and my first thought when I woke up in the morning. I truly lost myself in thinking about him and his needs, neglecting mine at times and my relationship with God. Oddly enough (or was it?) a series of events happened in my life in which I was laid off and the man that I had fallen in love with was slipping away from me. And at the end of the day, sitting in an empty room, I only had my thoughts and prayers to go to. One Sunday morning I went to church and the sermon seemed all too familiar. The message was called “Leave me or leave me alone.” I will never forget this sermon because of the things that I was dealing with. This sermon hit home for me; this sermon was about me. As I sat in the pew, mouth open and shaking my head in disbelief about what I was listening to, the sermon went back to my focus and my priorities in life. Little did I know that through my pastor He was about to make it okay to eliminate someone that my every thought swallowed. I ultimately believe that the things that were slipping away from me were supposed to happen. My pastor said that God will temporarily or permanently deliver you from people or things that prohibit you from achieving certain goals or growth in your life. I immediately thought of my love. I would often cry over him more than my dire need for a job, and more so, it was consuming the time I should have been spending with God. Matthew 6:33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Not the other way around!

Losing my job and the man I was in love with forced me to take a look at the order in which I placed things in my life. I am not saying that God has not ALWAYS been first, but His graces were not my last thought when I went to bed nor was my thankfulness on the tip of my tongue when I woke up in the morning. Psalm 113:3 From the rising of the sun to its setting the name of the LORD is to be praised.

Pray, be patient, and wait on the Lord, and the Blessings will follow. Make your relationship with God stronger and bigger than any connection you have with any man or woman that is walking this earth – when you’re Blessed with a partner, there will always be three bodies present – You, Your Mate, and God! Let God be your foundation before you try and build a house of hopes and dreams on it.

2. Learn and know your value – Proverbs 19:8 To acquire wisdom is to love oneself; people who cherish understanding will prosper.
   After my relationship ended in 2009, I was broken. I had a laundry list of items that were wrong with me that for some people can be swept under the rug, carried on their sleeve 24/7, or just simply dealt with by jumping into another relationship. I know that I am a sweep – it – under – the – rug type of gal, which leads me not to jump into anything new. It’s the fear in me; it is the fear of getting hurt. It was my relationship that left me insecure; it was thoughts of me not being good enough, not being pretty enough (because of the type of women he cheated on me with) and not being as submissive as some guys want their women to be. I questioned my value, but it actually took me meeting the King of all jerks to help me realize my value.

I met this handsome doctor in his 40s a few years back who asked me a question that led to one of the most infuriating and immature conversations ever. He asked me on a scale of 1 to 10 how I would rank (well – known singer and actress) – I said a seven. Even though this celebrity was pretty, I know that beauty isn’t everything and this performer has had face and body work done, and there were some personality issues that also could not be ignored. After I answered, he said “interesting,” then he proceeded to ask me how I would rank myself. My answer was a seven, and this answer sent him in a tizzy. From this exchange, I learned that immaturity could reside in older educated men too, but also that you will never be pleasing to everybody. This man clearly was into looks and not substance. I tell this story because I knew all of the things I had going for me that weren’t just beauty, and frankly, I may have undercounted my score. However, this conversation led me to finally ask my ex why. Why did he cheat on and lie to me all of those years of me cooking, cleaning, and making him feel like he was the only man on the planet – and he simply said, “it wasn’t about you. I wasn’t ready.” He even went as far as calling me perfect – I am far from that, but after all this time, I could finally lift my head and know that it was nothing that I was lacking that caused him to step out on me or not act like the boyfriend he should have been. Sometimes we have to step outside of ourselves and realize that we just might not be for everybody, or you may be in two different places in your lives, and that is okay too. What I started doing was looking at the things about me that had nothing to do with skin color, nose shape, or hair texture, and start taking note of the gifts and qualities that have been placed in me. As I started growing, I started enhancing my strengths; for instance, I can have a strong personality, but in my relationship, I never stood up for myself in fear of losing that person. I probably would not have been in that relationship for seven years had I taken a stand on how I was being treated. As I meet men, I pray for guidance and discernment to sift through the clutter, because I am a jewel that will only enrich my companion – so why settle? With a good man by my side, I know that we would enhance each other’s lives because I now know and appreciate my value. Who will value you if you don’t value yourself?

How can you enter into a relationship thinking you are less than or other than the queen that God formed you to be? 1 Peter 3:3 – 4 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

3. Learn how to be alone – Be Content – 1 Timothy 6:6 “But godliness with contentment is great gain.”
   In 2014 on Valentine’s Day, my father gave me one of the best books I have ever read – Calm My Anxious Heart, A Woman’s Guide to Finding Contentment by Linda Dillow. Did he see me as one of those 24/7 emotional sleeve – wearing women, or did he know I was 33 and still single and feeling some type of way? Whatever the case may have been, I was and still am very grateful for this book. Even though I have a loving family and family – type friends, at times I feel alone. Calm My Anxious Heart has been read by my eyes at least four times, and it helps me to stop focusing on what I don’t have and be grateful for all of the Blessings that I do. Reading this book also helps me see that none of what I am going through is by coincidence. All of my dreams, hopes, and desires are controlled by one Master, and it is not Toya. Furthermore, God wants us to learn to be content in our circumstances, not when they improve. Gods got you right where He wants you at this stage in your life. This place of achieving understanding is very hard, but if you pray, read God’s words and promises (as His child), you too can come to a place of peace. In my place of peace, I have learned to be still and direct my energy to what adds value to my life. Again – I am helping to prepare myself and the life I am creating to be a better mate to someone else.

Just know that God is preparing you for what is to come next in your life. Just knowing that gets me excited about the future and my desires that God has promised me. Matthew 7:8 – For everyone that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

I have had time to work on getting to know me, leaning on God, and being content with where I am in life. I know that in my relationship with God I am never alone.

…and the songs go on (to be continued)