Take a trip with me to grade school…P.E. class to be exact.  A time when you had to play a team sport like basketball.  I absolutely hated playing these sports. Flag football, basketball, softball, were the worst but we all had to participate, all for that passing grade.  I vividly remember the teacher calling on the two most athletic and popular students to the front to be team captains.  Me, standing there making eye contact but trying not to make eye contact, wanting to be picked but not really. I didn’t want to play, not wanting to be picked last. One by one the “cool” kids picked their friends, which were other “cool” kids and then they picked the kids that were semi good in that sport.  I was never chosen last, but I always made to the last few.

I find myself in a similar situation that I never thought I would be – and that is unmarried with no children.  You could have never told 16 or even 30-year-old Toya that she was not going to be married with children at the age of 42 – but here we are.  If you were a follower of my previous blog, you know my story of singleness but for those of you that are new, here is a quick rundown.

My Purple Song…

I met a navy man when I was 20 years old while I was still in college and continued to date him until I was 28 years old.  I broke up with him because of his lack of interest in taking our relationship to the next step. I later found out there was no interest because he was too busy “runnin the streets” and having fun jumping from one girl to the next.  After this relationship I was done.  I basically spent the first half of my thirties learning how to trust again and making sure that I got my ‘mental’ under control. If you have ever been cheated on before then you know the toll it can take on your psyche.  I was mentally and emotional exhausted and needed to nurture that before walking into a relationship with another man. In 2015, I met an amazing man.  The man that was everything that I wanted and everything that I didn’t know I wanted but time was not on my side with this man either. I ended up playing ‘duck, duck, goose’ with this man off and on for the next seven years. Yet another man that I was not on the same page with.  Even though during my off times with him, I dated a few people but nothing stuck. I wanted what I wanted, and I was not going to settle.  I waited this long so I might as well stick it out until the right one comes along. 

Now we are here, year 2023 and I decided that it was time to move on.  Since I work from home and at the time, did not go out that much, I ended up getting on a few dating apps. I had good experiences with them in the past, so I decided to give it another go. I told myself that I was going to go in with an open mind and I was not going to settle for less than what I wanted or deserved.  Well, that didn’t last long because not too long after I joined, I started talking to people that was Toya’s type 10 years ago but not the grown and sexy, knows her worth Toya of 2023.

Dating is not for the weak.  My experience is like a trip to Target.  I go in for one item and I grab a cart, only to walk out of the store with enticing shiny objects that I didn’t need. I truly should stick with my list because those shiny “objects” are not so great once you have them. I am not just talking about the physical but the background of the person as well. Interests, attire, and spirituality are some of the things that I look at. Yes, I have my standards but there is one thing in particular that I require and that is religious beliefs. Once I start talking to someone, I am very up front as ask what their beliefs are.    If you deviate from any answer other than “…there is something about the name Jesus,” – it has been nice meeting you. It is important to learn that upfront because it is a terrible situation to be in when you are starting to engage and like someone only to have to immediately stop. My relationship with God is very important to me and I want the same in my partner.

Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness?

2 Corinthians 6:14

2 Corinthians 6:14 represents a foundation of establishing a healthy and sound relationship.  I will share in another post the importance of being equally yoked but for now – back to my dating adventures.

Since the start of the year, I have had the privilege of talking to two men that would change my way of thinking and set me on a path to establish what my next moves in life would be.  I believe that God placed these men temporarily in my season of singleness to show me what I had been praying for. One of my prayers each night is for God to create more in my life.  To be clear, I need for nothing. Needing more to me means purpose. More to me, is my question to God of, “what is next?” So, in asking for more, God sent the following…

Man #1:

44 years of age
Never married, no children
Some college
Steady job
Profile said Christian, other
Wanting wedding bands
This man’s profile said some other things that caught my eye, so I swiped right.

We shared some good dialogue. We wanted the same things in life, and some of his struggles were my same struggles, things seemed like they were moving along nicely.  During one of our conversations the dreaded question of why I never married was asked.  As you can imagine being 42 and never married is something I get asked often. Trying to explain why the last 15 years were lost 20 times can get really tiring and somewhat embarrassing, but it is my story to tell so I tell it. Then the question of “you didn’t want kids?”  Also, a question that haunts me. I have lost 15 years of my prime, fertile years that I cannot reverse. This question is not embarrassing for me, it is actually hurtful, but I push through it because again – it is my story to tell. My standard answer is, yes, I did/do but I have never wanted to bring life into the world with any other person but my husband and since I have never been married…

He accepted my answer and then moved on to something lighter, asking me “what do I enjoy doing most in life?” This is a fun question to answer. My face lights up and the first thing that always comes to mind when asked this question is, “anything that has to do with me being creative. If that involves me writing, diy projects, planning events or a party, I love doing it!” Then he said the most interesting and insightful statement that anyone has ever voiced to me.  He said, “you were saying that you love to create things, but also made me aware you may not be able to create a life. That’s just a monkey wrench too. If that’s what you desire and your desire comes second to the desire of Him, you’ll have it.”  That made me pause and then it made me cry. It made me cry, not because the thought of not ever having a child but because I had never thought of my gift being my “child,” my unique ability that I am supposed to nurture and “raise” into something special and beautiful. I love when a man that I have an interest in can make me see things differently. I thought to myself – maybe this is my more but what am I to do with it. Nevertheless, I stated that this was man one of two so obviously something did not go right.  He did not do anything wrong but that Christian, other from his profile came into play and he in fact does not believe what I do.  His views on God and the Bible are different from mine so it was unfortunately not going to work.  I do however thank God for letting his light shine on me by way of man number one.  I wish him the best.

“The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out”

Proverbs 20:5

Man #2:

43 years of age
Married once, children
Retired military
Steady job
Profile did not have any religion listed (common for some not to put)
Wanting a life partner
Swiped right

Conversation started out well.  Energy was good, questions and laughs were flowing which was great.  He came off as a know it all, but I have had experience in shutting that down, so it didn’t bother me as much as it used to.  Before you knew it, I had been on the phone with him for over an hour, but it was the middle of my workday so I told him I would call him back after work. Called him back after work but here is where things get a little spicy.  Two questions came up again – why never married and you didn’t want kids.  I gave my standard answers and kept it moving. In further talking to him, I learned that he had a total of five kids – mouth flew open.  Shiny new object – surprisingly, I did not hold that against him, so we kept talking.  Then the conversation took an unexpected turn that I will never forget. He took the little information I told him about my past relationships and coupled that with me never being married or had children and he broke me.  In one question, he destroyed what little pride I had by asking, “why have you never been chosen?” I sat there in silence as he continued to strip me of any self-worth I had built up since my breakup in 2009.  He asked, what is it about you that you have never been chosen to be a wife or a mother?”  To my knowledge, this man was neither drunk nor high but plainly asking, why.  Right then and there, I put the phone on mute, and I started crying. He was right, why hasn’t anyone chosen me. At that point, his voice became background noise, and I heard nothing but a muffled voice. I had to wrap this conversation up.  This man has clearly worn out his welcome with me.  I quickly dried my face and grabbed a glass of water, took the phone off mute and preceded to talk around the condescending things he was saying. Then this man makes a statement about me talking about his five kids and the four mothers of his children. Some insight: it is common for individuals to be on a few different sites, but I had never experienced someone confusing me with someone they had spoken to earlier that day – because sir, I did not know you had four baby mothers.  In my head, I said to myself, do you mean to tell me, this man is belittling me because he thinks I am another woman he spoke too earlier.  Not only am I not her but damage is done, and you are not going to make me mother number five. I kindly said good-bye and have a good one.

Even though this man was a complete clown, he did some damage. I was messed up for the rest of the night. Why haven’t I ever been chosen? Why didn’t the men that I loved, love me enough to say, LaToya, I want you? This clown had me laying in my bed, tv and lights off, crying, listening to sad music for the rest of the evening. I felt like I was in grade school all over again, waiting to be picked – waiting for a man to choose me. As I laid there and that question rang in my head, I saw no answer in sight. The remedy for me that fixes everything is to sleep it off. I shut off the music and I got ready for bed.

Every night before I lay head to pillow, I drop to my knees and pray. That night in particular I spoke to the Lord about some of the choices I have made in life that has led me to the tears that were shed that day. That night my prayer lasted only a minute before I heard, Toya, but you have been chosen. As I sit here typing these words, I think back to that moment when I heard His voice, and the tears are flowing.

“But I have raised you up for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.”

Exodus 9:16

God chose me! God chose me to live this life. God chooses me every day, to wake up and tell my songs, to tell His songs, to live out his Will.  I think back to Man #1 and what he heard when I spoke on what I love, and in this moment, I realized that I am not following God’s instructions. I am not doing what God has placed before me to do. In that moment, all I could do was say, yes Lord – okay.

“Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”

Proverbs 19:21

Do I want to be married, yes. Do I want to have a family of my own one day, yes – but maybe there are things that God wants me to do and be first before these things are given to me. God sees and knows the bigger picture and has His own plans for our lives. The clown I encountered earlier that day served a purpose and as much as it pains me, I am thankful for him. Do not ever let anyone make you forget who the only being is that really matters and that there is a reason why you are HERE.

The purpose of this blog is to share my experience with you no matter how big or small. To share the fact that your struggle is the struggle that so many people face each day. A blog that is dedicated to women struggling to live their best life in their singleness. This blog is a platform that I hope will inspire all ages on having faith, being still, dating, challenges of jobs and many more topics that women and men struggle with daily. I have more things in store for this site, so I pray you stay on for the ride!

 …and the songs go on (to be continued)